When I ventured off into the blogging world, I had one goal in mind: let other moms out there know they were not alone. After all, the first month or so of motherhood for me was scary and had I just known that one other soul out in the world had gone through the same, I probably would have handled myself better. This is one of those posts where I just open myself up and let you see what really goes on in my mind. Don’t get me wrong, I love the fashion and beauty posts as well but I think its good to sit down and pour our hearts out once in a while.
Last Friday I cried because I was a selfish mother. I cried because in my eyes I lost a day with my son that I will never get back. I was selfish because I decided to take a nap after a long business drive. During my one hour nap my little one fell asleep and didn’t wake up until the next day. Of course many of you are here sitting thinking, wait … I would be dancing in excitement …a whole afternoon to myself. Friday I did not see it this way.
I guess you can say I was already feeling down because of all the events happening last week that were causing me to miss time with my little one. For starters, Thursday I missed our bedtime routine because I was at the office shooting an infomercial until about 10 PM. Saturday I knew I was going to miss out all day on my little boy because I had to go into the office in the morning which was going to cause me to miss a day trip my boys were taking for a family event. And on Sunday I had a friend’s baby shower to attend, sans boys.
As I sat in my den looking at my phone waiting for my little one to wake up it dawned on me that he wasn’t waking up. I went to his room, made noise, but to no avail. He was knocked out for the night. Mind you, this was at about 6 PM. And it was then that the tears started. I couldn’t understand how my husband didn’t feel the same way, after all he had just seen him for a few minutes before he had fallen asleep. He wanted to go out and have dinner, catch a movie, but I was just not having it. I couldn’t help but feel at fault … for something.
In my mind, I had just wasted my day by taking that nap. I couldn’t get over how selfish I felt. My husband began to tell me that it was okay. That I wasn’t selfish, that I needed that nap, but I just couldn’t listen. “I wasn’t even that tired” I said. But of course, I was tired. I am always tired; a nap is never not a good idea nowadays. My mind was just focusing on how I had missed an hour with my son, how I hadn’t enjoyed him to the fullest that day. Do you ever feel that way?
I thought about how in the blink of an eye he would no longer be my little boy. That next time I saw him he would be a grown man not wanting to hang out with momma. Truth be told, I don’t know why I was so sentimental. But I did cry for a good half an hour.
Looking back today, I am not sure why I felt that way. You can say that it felt “right.” I didn’t realize how ridiculous it was for me to feel selfish because I had taken a nap. I guess this is typical motherhood. We are hard on ourselves for even the smallest things. But why? And more importantly, why don’t I see fathers feel this way? Are they better at hiding it than we are?
I would like to say that I will never feel like that again, but that would be a lie. I know that it will happen again, possibly not for the same reasons but it will happen again. I know I’m a good mother because I care. I know a few years down the line (or possibly even today) my son will not remember the few hours here and there that I missed this past week. He will remember all the other times that I was there and made it count. Nonetheless, as a mother, it is just difficult not to let emotions take control. But at the end of the day I have to remind myself, “You’re doing good Momma.”
Have you ever felt this way? What did you do to calm yourself down?
XOXO – Elle
Pin for Later: